Directions to servants. Directions to Servants (Quirky Classics) Jonathan Swift: Alma Classics 2019-01-26

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Directions to Servants by Jonathan Swift

directions to servants

If you find yourself to grow into favour with your master or lady, take some opportunity, in a very mild way, to give them warning; and when they ask the reason, and seem loth to part with you, answer, that you would rather live with them than any body else, but a poor servant is not to be blamed if he strives to better himself; that service is no inheritance; that your work is great, and your wages very small. Some nice ladies who are afraid of catching cold, having observed that the maids and fellows below stairs often forget to shut the door after them, as they come in, or go out into the back yards, have contrived that a pulley and a rope, with a large piece of lead at the end, should be so fixed, as to make the door shut of itself, and require a strong hand to open it; which is an immense toil to servants, whose business may force them to go in and out fifty times in a morning: but ingenuity can do much, for prudent servants have found out an effectual remedy against this insupportable grievance, by tying up the pulley in such a manner, that the weight of the lead shall have no effect; however, as to my own part, I would rather choose to keep the door always open, by laying a heavy stone at the bottom of it. Consider your master's, health, and rather than let him take long journeys, say the cattle are weak, and fallen in their flesh with hard riding: tell him of a very good inn five miles nearer than he intended to go; or leave one of his horse's fore shoes loose in the morning; or contrive that the saddle may pinch the beast in his withers; or keep him without corn all night and morning, so that he may tire on the road; or wedge a thin plate of iron between the hoof and the shoe to make him halt; and all this in perfect tenderness to your master. Swift jonathan scrittore inglese dublino 1667 ivi 1745 considerato uno tra i massimi esponenti della letteratura inglese autore di una prosa caratterizzata. Your lady, when she finds the small beer or ale dead, will blame you for not remembering to put the peg into the vent-hole. I have a true veneration for your office, because I had once the honour to be one of your order, which I foolishly left by demeaning myself with accepting an employment in the customhouse.

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Directions to Servants

directions to servants

When you put a clean pillowcase on your lady's pillow, be sure to fasten it well with corking pins, that it may not fall off in the night. Get a speech to be written by the best author of : some of your kind wenches will provide you with a Holland shirt and white cap, crowned with a crimson or black ribbon: take leave cheerfully of all your friends in Newgate: mount the cart with courage; fall on your knees; lift up your eyes; hold a book in your hands, although you cannot read a word; deny the fact at the gallows; kiss and forgive the hangman, and so farewell: you shall be buried in pomp at the charge of the fraternity: the surgeon shall not touch a limb of you; and your fame shall continue until a successor of equal renown succeeds in your place. To us, the everyday details of life in the past are things to talk about, ponder, make fun of -- much in the way normal people talk about their favorite reality show. If a footman presumes to bring a letter to the house to be delivered to you for your lady, although it come from your best customer, throw it at his head; call him impudent rogue and villain, and shut the door in his face: run up to your lady, and as a proof of your fidelity, tell her what you have done. If it be possible, never tell a Lie to your Master or Lady, unless you have some Hopes that they cannot find it out in less than half an Hour. If you are in a great family, and my lady's woman, my lord may probably like you, although you are not half so handsome as his own lady.


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Directions To Servants by Swift, Jonathan

directions to servants

Never stint your horses at home in hay and oats, but fill the rack to the top, and the manger to the brim, for you would take it ill to be stinted yourself; although perhaps they may not have the stomach to eat; consider, they have no tongues to ask. Wear your lady's smock when she has thrown it off; it will do you credit, save your own linen, and be not a pin the worse. We use this information to create a better experience for all users. His servants are lazy, profligate, and acquisitive—always on the lookout for a shilling to be made on the sale of leftovers, or a half-bottle of wine to share with the cook. When you are chid before company which with submission to our masters and ladies, is an unmannerly practice it often happens that some stranger will have the good nature to drop a word in your excuse; in such a case you will have a good title to justify yourself, and may rightly conclude, that whenever he chides you afterward on other occasions, he may be in the wrong; in which opinion you will be the better confirmed, by stating the case to your fellow-servants in your own way, who will certainly decide in your favour: therefore, as I have said before, whenever you are chidden, complain as if you were injured. We're the source of our own pain, so even though I've found a place to rest my head I still can't sleep, I still can't sleep at night.

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from 'Directions To Servants' by Jonathan Swift

directions to servants

There are several Ways of putting out Candles, and you ought to be instructed in them all: you may run the Candle End against the Wainscot, which puts the Snuff out immediately: You may lay it on the Floor, and tread the Snuff out with your Foot: You may hold it upside down until it is choked with its own Grease; or cram it into the Socket of the Candlestick: You may whirl it round in your Hand till it goes out: When you go to Bed, after you have made Water, you may dip the Candle End into the Chamber Pot: You may spit on your Finger and Thumb, and pinch the Snuff until it goes out: The Cook may run the Candle's Nose into the Meal Tub or the Groom into a Vessel of Oats, or a Lock of Hay, or a Heap of Litter: The House-maid may put out her Candle by running it against a Looking-glass, which nothing cleans so well as Candle Snuff: But the quickest and best of all Methods, is to blow it out with your Breath, which leaves the Candle clear and readier to be lighted. But if you are so often teased to shut the door, that you cannot easily forget it, then give the door such a clap as you go out, as will shake the whole room, and make every thing rattle in it, to put your master and lady in mind that you observe their directions. For instance, if the poker be out of the way, or broken, stir the fire with the tongs; if the tongs be not at hand, use the muzzle of the bellows, the wrong end of the fireshovel, the handle of the firebrush, the end of a mop, or your master's cane. Where there are little Masters and Misses in a House, they are usually great Impediments to the Diversions of the Servants; the only Remedy is to bribe them with Goody Goodyes, that they may not tell Tales to Papa and Mamma. We like to keep things fresh.

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Directions To Servants by Swift, Jonathan

directions to servants

There are several ways of putting out candles, and you ought to be instructed in them all: you may run the candle end against the wainscot, which puts the snuff out immediately: you may lay it on the ground, and tread the snuff out with your foot: you may hold it upside down, until it is choked with its own grease, or cram it into the socket of the candlestick: you may whirl it round in your hand till it goes out: when you go to bed, after you have made water, you may dip the candle end into the chamberpot: you may spit on your finger and thumb, and pinch the snuff till it goes out. L'argument principal consiste à apprendre aux employés à duper leurs maîtres à la moindre occasion. The only problem is that it is so limited in scope. One of us -- -- writes historical romance. When you carry your master's riding-coat in a journey, wrap your own in it, and buckle them up close with a strap, but turn your master's inside out, to preserve the outside from wet and dirt; thus, when it begins to rain, your master's coat will be first ready to be given him; and if it get more hurt than yours, he can afford it better, for your livery must always serve its year's apprenticeship. When dinner is done, carry down a great heap of plates to the kitchen, and when you come to the head of the stairs, trundle them all before you: there is not a more agreeable sight or sound, especially if they be silver, beside the trouble they save you, and there they will lie ready near the kitchen door for the scullion to wash them.

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DIRECTIONS TO SERVANTS by Jonathan Swift

directions to servants

Upon which, if your master has any generosity, he will add five or ten shillings a quarter, rather than let you go: but if you are balked, and have no mind to go off, get some fellow-servant to tell your master, that he has prevailed upon you to stay. You are to look upon the kitchen as your dressingroom; but you are not to wash your hands till you have gone to the necessaryhouse, and spitted your meat, trussed your fowl, picked your sallad, not indeed till after you have sent up your second course; for your hands will be ten times fouler with the many things you are forced to handle; but when your work is over, one washing will serve for all. Vinkkien hyödyllisyydestäkin voi olla monta mieltä, kuten tästä klassisesta tuolimetkusta: »Kun aterian jälkeen ruoka siunataan seisoaltaan, napatkaa yhdessä toisten palvelijoiden kanssa tuolit isäntäväen ja vieraiden alta, jotta he aikoessaan taas istuutua kellahtaisivat selälleen, mikä herättää kaikissa suurta hilpeyttä. When you know your master is most busy in company, come in and pretend to fettle about the room, and if he chides, say, you thought he rung the bell. When you dress up your sideboard, set the best glasses as near the edge of the table as you can; by which means they will cast a double lustre, and make a much finer figure; and the consequence can be at most, but the breaking half a dozen, which is a trifle in your master's pocket.


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Directions to Servants by Jonathan Swift

directions to servants

When your lady is ill, and after a very bad night is getting a little nap in the morning, if a footman comes with a message to inquire how she does, do not let the compliment be lost, but shake her gently until she wakes; then deliver the message, receive her answer, and leave her to sleep. Never wash your hands, or put on a clean apron, till you have made your lady's bed, for fear of rumpling your apron, or fouling your hands again. Believe an old practitioner; whoever out of malice to a fellow-servant carries a tale to his master, shall be ruined by a general confederacy against him. You may now and then lend your master's pad to a brother servant, or your favourite maid, for a short jaunt, or hire him for a day, because the horse is spoiled for want of exercise; and if your master happens to want his horse, or has a mind to see the stable, curse that rogue the helper, who is gone out with the key. Therefore as soon as you alight at the inn, deliver your horses to the stableboy, and let him gallop them to the next pond, then call for a pot of ale, for it is very fit that a christian should drink before a beast. If you find it necessary to go to market in a wet day, take out your mistress's ridinghood and cloak to save your clothes. When you are ordered to decant a suspicious bottle, if a pint be out, give your hand a dextrous shake, and show it in a glass, that it begins to be muddy.


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DIRECTIONS TO SERVANTS by Jonathan Swift

directions to servants

Take off the largest dishes, and set them on, with one hand, to show the ladies your vigour and strength of back; but always do it between two ladies, that if the dish happens to slip, the soup or sauce may fall on their clothes, and not daub the floor; by this practice, two of our brethren, my worthy friends, got considerable fortunes. As he is leaving the inn drop a good word in favour of the ostler, what care he took of the cattle; and add, that you never saw civiller servants. Good cooks cannot abide what they justly call fiddling work, where abundance of time is spent and little done: such for instance, is the dressing small birds, requiring a world of cookery and clutter, and a second or third spit, which by the way is absolutely needless; for it will be a very ridiculous thing indeed, if a spit, which is strong enough to turn a sirloin of beef, should not be able to turn a lark; however. Silloin voit kertoa isännälle, että ehjät lasit ovat loppuneet. Teoksessa käydään läpi vajaat parikymmentä palvelusammattia, joista tärkeimpiä ovat hovimestari, keittäjä, lakeija ja erilaiset kamarineidot ja -siivoojat. They are at least reading copies, complete and in reasonable condition, but usually secondhand; frequently they are superior examples.

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DIRECTIONS TO SERVANTS by Jonathan Swift

directions to servants

I do most earnestly exhort you all to unanimity and concord: but mistake me not: you may quarrel with each other as much as you please, only always bear in mind, that you have a common enemy, which is your master and lady, and you have a common cause to defend. When you have broken all your earthen drinking vessels below stairs which is usually done in a week the copper pot will do as well; it can boil milk, heat porridge, hold small beer, or in case of necessity, serve for a jordan, therefore apply it indifferently to all these uses; but never wash or scour it, for fear of taking off the tin. In winter time light the diningroom fire but two minutes before dinner is served up, that your master may see how saving you are of his coals. If any one desires a glass of bottled ale, first shake the bottle, to see whether any thing be in it; then taste it, to see what liquor it is, that you may not be mistaken; and lastly, wipe the mouth of the bottle with the palm of your hand, to show your cleanliness. Then he made me stick two inches of candle in the place where the socket was; after which I pretended to stumble, put out the candle, and broke all the tin part to pieces: at last, he was forced to make use of a lanternboy out of perfect good husbandry.


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